Few disabilities have as strong a culture of secrecy and shame as incontinence. On the few occasions it’s mentioned in the media, it is commonly ridiculed or portrayed with disgust, contributing to a pervasive stigma perpetuated by all players, including healthcare providers, product manufacturers and suppliers, bloggers, vloggers, and, sometimes, even those who are incontinent.

Maintaining secrecy and discretion is a top concern for most individuals managing incontinence. But, if there were no embarrassment or shame about it— if incontinence were looked upon by society in the same way that it does for near-sightedness— how much easier would it be to manage?

Before I proceed, I want to firmly establish that I am not criticizing anyone who wishes to maintain discretion or secrecy about their condition. That is a personal choice, and I do not see anything wrong with it. However, what is blatantly discriminatory and overall toxic is this pervasive pressure from multiple aspects of society that one SHOULD hide their condition. This article is my resistance to this pressure. It is me standing up to this foolish taboo, out of love for myself and, hopefully, to help others.

I should also add that, regarding visibility and discretion, I am not going to extremes. Of course, walking around in public with no pants on is problematic, but if one wants to wear a high-absorbency brief and their favourite form-fitting pants, I argue this is 100% appropriate and even healthy. I want to reiterate this again and again—unless you’re breaching public indecency laws, there is nothing wrong with being visible and open!

This “shouldness”—the notion that one is somehow obliged to maintain discreteness and secrecy is quite prevalent in the media. For instance, multiple vlogs and blogs routinely instruct how to ensure that one’s incontinence protection is not noticeable to the public. There are even vlogs that show users how to hide their protection, with hosts trying on various diaper brands under different types of clothing to test visibility. I understand how this content might appeal to those who want to maintain discretion, but it reflects how normalized shame is around visibility. Keeping one’s protection completely hidden is so ingrained in our culture that it is accepted as a given. It’s like no one has ever thought, “ Ummm…so what is so wrong with this anyway? Why is wearing a diaper so shameful? What is the big deal?”

The fact of the matter is, adults needing diapers is generally considered taboo. If you happen to need them, it is expected that you should be ashamed and embarrassed to the point of doing almost anything to hide that fact. To go beyond this, that is, to be confident and visible with your disability, is breaking a much, much bigger taboo— that one SHOULD stay ashamed and hide.

These taboos have also influenced how manufacturers build incontinence products. Indeed, pads and diapers are generally designed with the primary intent to maintain the user’s secrecy about wearing the product. This has resulted in a slew of low-grade and ineffective products. However, in recent years, some companies have begun producing quality products that actually work and don’t need to be changed every hour.

This article is solely referring to those who need diapers for medical reasons. Still, I want to discuss diapers as they are portrayed in the fetish world. It is almost impossible to do an internet search for incontinence, especially diaper-related, without seeing fetish content, which can sometimes include rhetoric that can be harmful to those managing incontinence. For instance, a prevalent theme in the fetish world is an insistence that having your diaper noticeable in public, say by seeing a waistline or under tight pants, is damaging to the public—that the wearer is somehow impeding on the general public’s consent. This sentiment is not only erroneous but also a sort of violence against those who must wear diapers to manage their disability. Even if it is applied only to those who wear diapers out of their fetish, it still implies that there is something inherently wrong and nefarious about wearing them and being noticeable. Also, the term consent is a very important one used in sexual interactions. It’s unfortunate that its meaning is being hijacked and diluted. I have nothing against those with varied sexual leanings, and that includes the fetish world. Still, I argue that there is a significant amount of deep, even systematic, shame that is inherent in much of their rhetoric, which can be hurtful and even damaging to those managing incontinence.

To conclude, I want to assert that if one wants to stay discreet about their disability, I think that is 100% ok and nothing to be ashamed of. However, if one wants to be open and even expressive, that is wonderful. I disagree with any notion that, because I have a disability, I am somehow obliged to change the way I dress so the general public does not notice it. That notion is silly, toxic and harmful to all who manage disabilities. I don’t let my diaper dictate what I wear! That includes my refusal to wear baggy pants and long shirts to hide my medical condition! Some days, my briefs contour, bulk, and even waistline are visible, which is 100% legitimate, valid and healthy! I’ve spent years of my life terrified that someone will notice my condition, which resulted in my spending hundreds of hours looking in the mirror to determine how visible my incontinence brief was. My clothing selection was dictated by how noticeable my diaper was underneath them. All of this was to abide by society’s stigma against incontinence— against disabilities in general. Years ago, I decided to stop being a doormat to this shame. Nowadays, I wear what I want, what I love, what I feel blends with who I am. I own my disability—my incontinence. Sometimes, it’s easy to notice what I am wearing under my pants, and that is ok, and, well, it might even be a good thing. I often imagine the impact it would have had on a younger me to see someone who was visible and confident. To see someone own their disability with self-love and confidence would have been beyond healing for me! It would have changed my life! I hope how I carry myself—visible, confident and beautiful— might do the same for someone else😊